I'm way too much of a slacker to seek or hold public office, but if I did, here is my platform:
1. Whatever consenting adults do in private is their business, not mine. The key words are consenting and adults, Roman Polanski. I realize the crime took place over thirty years ago, but so did his bail jumping. By the way, don't you just love the Hollywood embrace of this man? Really, Madonna? Is it ok with you if someone gives your teenage daughter champagne and a Quaalude and rapes her? What if he's made some good movies, would that make it better? And Woody Allen is publicly siding with him?! Perfect!
2. If you chose to go to Wal Mart (or anywhere, really, I just think that WM has the highest incidence of this kind of thing) with your baby, please clothe him or her. I never want to see another diaper only-clad infant or toddler in public. As I have said before, I really have nothing against every day low prices, but I have a big problem with the kid throwing poo out of his diaper on Aisle 5!
3. I'm sorry if this one is offensive, but if you don't like it, please feel free to spend 17 years in the public school system before you criticize. Everyone will be chemically sterilized sometime in early junior high school. When individuals prove themselves emotionally and financially stable, their reproductivity will be restored. If you have a baby on the government's dime, the government will give that baby to someone who is more responsible but can't have children.
4. Speaking of education, we need to get back to basics and stop all of the touchy-feely nonsense that plagues our system now. When a kid fails a class despite all opportunities, it is not the fault of the teacher. Kids who refuse to make adequate progress will be put into residential boot camp until their grades improve. If their grades don't improve, they will augment their lessons with Adopt a Highway cleanup. We need to worry less about hurting feelings and more about preparing students for the real world.
5. Everyone has to take responsibility for his or her actions. Let's quit blaming everyone else for our problems. Ben and Jerry (or Tom and Jerry) are not responsible for my high triglycerides. That's on me. Might I add, after years of viewing Tom and Jerry cartoons, I never once hit my brother in the head with a frying pan.
6. If the shoe fits, buy one in every color! Ok, I made it about shoes after all!
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