Family Tradition, Tubby Style

I always get a little uncomfortable when people start talking about their family traditions. On almost any other subject, I have something to share, but when it comes to this, I'm at a loss. My family simply doesn't do tradition.

For those of you who haven't read my posts about my dad, let me introduce you to Tubby. Tubby, these nice people read my blog, and they seem to like me, I mean really like me. "Goddamn it, why are you putting stuff about yourself on the internet? Haven't I told you a thousand times not to do crap like this? When I die, your brother is going to get the money and he will hold it for you until you prove yourself responsible enough to handle it! Have you gotten another goddamn dog? I guess it's nice to have money to burn on those vet bills, Mrs. Got rocks."

That, readers, is my father. Here is an exchange from my childhood. I am 7 or 8 at the time.

Tubs: Do you think anyone in this world outside of this house gives a shit whether you live or die?
me: My teacher?
Tubs: Wrong! No one cares. Did you know that there are people in this world who will hurt you just for the fun of it?
me: No.
Tubs: Quit living in a dream world! Do I need to build you a sandbox?
me: No.
Tubs: Fine!

Not surprisingly, this man did not participate in any of the kind of ritual that I see other families enjoy. Special Thanksgiving meal? Not us. We made a trip to Wyatt's Cafeteria because Tubs doesn't like leftovers. Christmas carols? Nope. The Christmas tree could go up no sooner than 2 weeks before the big day and had to be down and stored (in a box labeled "X-Mas Shit") on December 26.

The closest thing we have to a tradition (aside from inappropriate drinking, which I'm not gonna lie, does help you deal with Tubs) is the New Year's Call. My brother and I started this when we were in our 20s, and admittedly, it's a really stupid thing to do. Each January 1st at midnight, my brother and I would call our dad, wait for him to answer, then hang up. We found such hilarity with this that we continued it for years, taking turns on the years we weren't together. The best part was this line from Tubby, "No matter where I live, some drunk asshole calls me on New Year's Eve and hangs up!" To this day, I don't think he knows that his kids are the drunk assholes!