Adventures in Cheerleading

I have had many jobs in my life, from clown at children's birthday parties at McDonald's (the worst) to best selling author and fabulous celebrity jet setter (total fantasy, but it could happen), but one of the weirdest experiences of my life was when I served as a high school cheerleading coach. Please remember that I live in Texas, and up until this point there have been at least two Lifetime movies made about Texas Cheerleading Scandals!

The school where I worked was very small, and because of that, we played six man football. If you have never seen this, you really should. The field is 40 yards by 80 yards instead of the standard 50x100. A first down is 15 yards instead of 10, an extra point kick is worth 2 points, an extra point run is worth one, and anyone on the team is an eligible receiver. The best part about six man football is the 45 rule, which states that at or after halftime, if either team is up by 45 or more points, the game is over.

During my tenure in this position, I got to work with some exceptional young women and I am truly blessed to have maintained contact with several of them. Great as these ladies were, however, they brought me some very crazy moments.

S. (head cheerleader): Miss, we'd like to do that cheer we learned at camp, "Defense, Defense"
me: Y'all can do that one in a few minutes, but not now.
S.: Why not?
me: We have the ball.

J. (another cheerleader): What about that one called "First and Ten"?
me: If we do that, we will look stupid.
J.: Why?
me: This is six man football, and a first down is fifteen yards.
J.: Oh.

In addition to all this fun, because our school was so small, there usually was not enough money for us to take a bus of our own, and we frequently had to ride with the football team. This was bad for many reasons: 1. I was usually assigned the task of sitting in between the girls and the guys to assure that no one with a y chromosome made it to "no man's land". 2. The bus had to be dead silent on the way to the game because the guys, I mean Warriors, had to concentrate on the game. 3. If our Warriors lost, they had to be silent on the way home to think about why they were losers. 4. The coaches always wanted to stop and feed the team at Pancho's which naturally led to gas emitting contests once we were back on the bus. Although no males were allowed in no man's land, there was just no stopping their aromas.

During my last year there, the unthinkable happened and our school got large enough to move up a classification and play eleven man football. The worst part of it all was that we no longer had the 45 rule, and team after team slaughtered us. One night, we drove two hours one way to get beaten 78-0, and it turns out that was my fault. Since I was not suited up with the team that night, I wondered how this could be my fault. It all got blamed on me because the team we played was from a private Episcopal school, and I was mentally in league with them, weakening our team's efforts. I was unaware of this incredible talent, but thank you, Henry VIII!